Peace

It's pretty rare for me to talk about things in a serious tone.  I try not to take life too incredibly seriously, and I try to find a reason to laugh every day.  The thing is, I'm living with anxiety.  Sure, I've always been the worry wart, and my brain wants to explode when spontaneous things combust around me because I'm such a planner, but over the past few years, this condition has developed inside of me, and I'm finally willing and able to call it what it is.  But let me clear one thing up: this is not anxiety/depression.  I am not depressed.  I fall into the occasional slump, sometimes for 2 or 3 days at a time, but I never feel hopeless or unworthy.  I never fall that far.

It's been difficult for me to find peace most of my life.  I have always, even as a kid, felt like I'm living somewhere I don't belong, and my life just isn't mine. It's like I'm living in a surreal, parallel universe of someone else's. I still struggle with that at 34 years old.  Sometimes I feel like things are spinning out of control, and I have anxiety attacks.  It's just part of my life now.  I constantly worry about things I need to do, I carry a load of guilt around about all the friendships I've lost as a result of my own stupidity.  I still have trouble fully letting go of my first marriage because I feel so scorned and want revenge. I finally decided that I had to find a way to get rid of all of this extra weight.  

Having grown up surrounded by and immersed in the tenets of the Southern Baptist faith, it was ludicrous to even try and think about venturing out into another form of spirituality that may have better fit me.  Nothing else was an option: prayer was the only way, God was the only other-wordly force.  Have I ever experienced God?  Yes, on multiple occasions.  I believe He exists and is very real.  Have I ever experienced evil forces?  Yes.  I believe they also exist and are very real. 

I've never really felt connected to prayer.  I participated...bowed my head, spoke some words of praise and voiced concerns and made requests, said "Amen..." but I've never really *felt* it.  Do I believe in miracles?  Sure...I've been part of those small daily ones, like when you're driving, and you drift off into la la land or mess with the radio, but you happen to look up at just the right moment to hit a curve or avoid slamming into the car in front of you. 

Last week, I decided to take a leap of faith (no pun intended) and try meditation.  I talked to a few people, looked up some stuff online, bought a book and a journal, and I have started with YouTube videos of guided meditations for beginners (hey, gotta start somewhere, right?)  I actually started on Monday, and have practiced for 10 minutes a day, and I can already absolutely tell a difference in my spirit.  It's a slow start, and I'm learning patience with myself, but something is happening...a shift in my perspective and mindfulness is definitely occurring.  I have no idea where this journey is going to take me, but it will be so interesting to find out.