It's pretty rare for me to talk about things in a serious tone. I
try not to take life too incredibly seriously, and I try to find a
reason to laugh every day. The thing is, I'm living with anxiety.
Sure, I've always been the worry wart, and my brain wants to explode
when spontaneous things combust around me because I'm such a planner,
but over the past few years, this condition has developed inside of me,
and I'm finally willing and able to call it what it is. But let me
clear one thing up: this is not anxiety/depression. I am not
depressed. I fall into the occasional slump, sometimes for 2 or 3 days
at a time, but I never feel hopeless or unworthy. I never fall that
far.
It's been difficult for me to find peace most
of my life. I have always, even as a kid, felt like I'm living
somewhere I don't belong, and my life just isn't mine. It's like I'm
living in a surreal, parallel universe of someone else's. I still
struggle with that at 34 years old. Sometimes I feel like things are
spinning out of control, and I have anxiety attacks. It's just part of
my life now. I constantly worry about things I need to do, I carry a
load of guilt around about all the friendships I've lost as a result of
my own stupidity. I still have trouble fully letting go of my first
marriage because I feel so scorned and want revenge. I finally decided
that I had to find a way to get rid of all of this extra weight.
Having
grown up surrounded by and immersed in the tenets of the Southern
Baptist faith, it was ludicrous to even try and think about venturing
out into another form of spirituality that may have better fit me.
Nothing else was an option: prayer was the only way, God was the only
other-wordly force. Have I ever experienced God? Yes, on multiple
occasions. I believe He exists and is very real. Have I ever
experienced evil forces? Yes. I believe they also exist and are very
real.
I've never really felt connected to prayer. I
participated...bowed my head, spoke some words of praise and voiced
concerns and made requests, said "Amen..." but I've never really *felt*
it. Do I believe in miracles? Sure...I've been part of those small
daily ones, like when you're driving, and you drift off into la la land
or mess with the radio, but you happen to look up at just the right
moment to hit a curve or avoid slamming into the car in front of you.
Last
week, I decided to take a leap of faith (no pun intended) and try
meditation. I talked to a few people, looked up some stuff online,
bought a book and a journal, and I have started with YouTube videos of
guided meditations for beginners (hey, gotta start somewhere, right?) I
actually started on Monday, and have practiced for 10 minutes a day,
and I can already absolutely tell a difference in my spirit. It's a
slow start, and I'm learning patience with myself, but something is
happening...a shift in my perspective and mindfulness is definitely
occurring. I have no idea where this journey is going to take me, but
it will be so interesting to find out.
