I'm not really in the spirit of the season. Over the years, the excitement of the joyous festivities had become a hassle and an event-planning nightmare. I was dragged on a 12-hour excursion that was only meant to be a 4-hour road trip, because apparently it was a good idea to stop at EVERY.SINGLE.WALMART from Bowling Green to Paintsville. Coulda fooled me. Anyway, I digress. Now, I've been home for almost 3 years, and I get to cook for Thanksgiving. It's truly one of my best therapies. I get all day Wednesday to myself (with Phil on FaceTime) to mix, slice, dice, season, baste, simmer, bake, compile, cook, play, experiment, dance, lick spoons....what ever else I can do in my tiny little kitchen...all while listening to the music of my choice. For 12 hours, I am free.
After all that me-time, I get to spend time with my family. I get to watch them chow down after a long day at work, and I get to hear them tell me how great everything tastes (because yes, I'm a hell of a cook!) I am thankful that something I enjoy doing brings them happiness...and full bellies.
I am not thankful for the distance between Phil and me. To be quite honest with you, it really sucks big donkey balls that we can't spend the holidays together. Particularly because that's exactly what this time of year is set aside for. Not to mention that Phil has never experienced the absolute luxurious satisfaction of a full-on American Thanksgiving dinner. And if anyone has the audacity to try and make me feel guilty for feeling sad about it, I'll show you where you can stick your turkey. While everyone's specific situations are different, the bottom line is that separation is separation, distance is distance, and pain is pain. None of that will go away until he is here with me. So don't even go there.
Sometimes, I do find it difficult to be grateful for things in my life. Am I grateful that I'm broke? Hell no. Am I thankful for idiots on the Gene Snyder? Bet your ass I'm not. Do I have regrets? Yep, sure do. Should I be thankful that I struggle? That depends. What I really want is quite simple: a home of my own that I can share with my husband. That doesn't seem like an extraordinary request, does it? It's really easy for a lot of people to be able to fulfill that. Am I thankful for this lesson in patience? Absolutely not. Will I be grateful for the reward after it's complete? Absolutely yes.
I realize that a lot of my "Debbie Downer" moments circle back to the distance between Phil and me, but he's really all that's missing from my life. So, let me do you a favor and end this blog on a higher note. I promise, it'll make you feel all warm and fuzzy.
Here's what I'm truly, deeply, inherently thankful for...more than one day a year:
1. I am thankful to be the strong woman I have become. This has been a huge personal accomplishment for me. I am no longer feeble. I can stand up for myself (and generally have no qualms about it.)
2. I am thankful for Stuart. He turned 9 (nine. NINE!!) this year, and he has been by my side through some of my darkest days. He is a little shithead sometimes, but he's the cutest damn dog on the planet. I love my little tripod twerp. He is an amazing companion that still loves me, despite all my flaws...including saying no to treats....
3. I am thankful for the people who remain in my life unconditionally. Through all the adversity, I am blessed to be able to count my most loyal friends on one hand. We all have a lot of years tied up in each others' lives, and that deserves recognition and respect. You know who you are. I love you, and thank you for loving me.
4. I am thankful for my gifts. Music and cooking bring me more inner peace than anything, and I love that they are both things that bring other people joy.
5. I am thankful that I have a family that has never turned its back on me (for the most part.) They pulled me out of a deep, dark hole and came to my rescue, and that is something for which I can never repay them.
6. I am thankful that I have a stable job with a good company. It sounds cliche (or not, depending on where you work,) but I have finally found a place where I belong. It just took me a while to see it.
7. I am thankful for my love. He is the biggest blessing in my life.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving. Really remember what makes your life valuable, and keep it close to your heart.
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