I'm not really in the spirit of the season. Over the years, the excitement of the joyous festivities had become a hassle and an event-planning nightmare. I was dragged on a 12-hour excursion that was only meant to be a 4-hour road trip, because apparently it was a good idea to stop at EVERY.SINGLE.WALMART from Bowling Green to Paintsville. Coulda fooled me. Anyway, I digress. Now, I've been home for almost 3 years, and I get to cook for Thanksgiving. It's truly one of my best therapies. I get all day Wednesday to myself (with Phil on FaceTime) to mix, slice, dice, season, baste, simmer, bake, compile, cook, play, experiment, dance, lick spoons....what ever else I can do in my tiny little kitchen...all while listening to the music of my choice. For 12 hours, I am free.
After all that me-time, I get to spend time with my family. I get to watch them chow down after a long day at work, and I get to hear them tell me how great everything tastes (because yes, I'm a hell of a cook!) I am thankful that something I enjoy doing brings them happiness...and full bellies.
I am not thankful for the distance between Phil and me. To be quite honest with you, it really sucks big donkey balls that we can't spend the holidays together. Particularly because that's exactly what this time of year is set aside for. Not to mention that Phil has never experienced the absolute luxurious satisfaction of a full-on American Thanksgiving dinner. And if anyone has the audacity to try and make me feel guilty for feeling sad about it, I'll show you where you can stick your turkey. While everyone's specific situations are different, the bottom line is that separation is separation, distance is distance, and pain is pain. None of that will go away until he is here with me. So don't even go there.
Sometimes, I do find it difficult to be grateful for things in my life. Am I grateful that I'm broke? Hell no. Am I thankful for idiots on the Gene Snyder? Bet your ass I'm not. Do I have regrets? Yep, sure do. Should I be thankful that I struggle? That depends. What I really want is quite simple: a home of my own that I can share with my husband. That doesn't seem like an extraordinary request, does it? It's really easy for a lot of people to be able to fulfill that. Am I thankful for this lesson in patience? Absolutely not. Will I be grateful for the reward after it's complete? Absolutely yes.
I realize that a lot of my "Debbie Downer" moments circle back to the distance between Phil and me, but he's really all that's missing from my life. So, let me do you a favor and end this blog on a higher note. I promise, it'll make you feel all warm and fuzzy.
Here's what I'm truly, deeply, inherently thankful for...more than one day a year:
1. I am thankful to be the strong woman I have become. This has been a huge personal accomplishment for me. I am no longer feeble. I can stand up for myself (and generally have no qualms about it.)
2. I am thankful for Stuart. He turned 9 (nine. NINE!!) this year, and he has been by my side through some of my darkest days. He is a little shithead sometimes, but he's the cutest damn dog on the planet. I love my little tripod twerp. He is an amazing companion that still loves me, despite all my flaws...including saying no to treats....
3. I am thankful for the people who remain in my life unconditionally. Through all the adversity, I am blessed to be able to count my most loyal friends on one hand. We all have a lot of years tied up in each others' lives, and that deserves recognition and respect. You know who you are. I love you, and thank you for loving me.
4. I am thankful for my gifts. Music and cooking bring me more inner peace than anything, and I love that they are both things that bring other people joy.
5. I am thankful that I have a family that has never turned its back on me (for the most part.) They pulled me out of a deep, dark hole and came to my rescue, and that is something for which I can never repay them.
6. I am thankful that I have a stable job with a good company. It sounds cliche (or not, depending on where you work,) but I have finally found a place where I belong. It just took me a while to see it.
7. I am thankful for my love. He is the biggest blessing in my life.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving. Really remember what makes your life valuable, and keep it close to your heart.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
The Power of a Year
When I logged in to write my blog last night, I found this unfinished draft from July 31st:
One year ago today, I left England. I came back to the American life. I was once again separated from the love of my life and forced to start over. But I had a new focus: start the rebuilding process so that Phil and I could start planning our future.
The big D was priority #1. I filed for divorce from my now ex-husband almost immediately. Describing that as a trying time would be an understatement....not emotionally; I mean, I was completely over him. Trust me. I didn't know how the process worked, how long it would take, how he (the ex) would react...and I had NO money for a lawyer, so I had to wing it. I do have to say that the entire process was probably the biggest test of strength and courage I've ever endured. I discovered more about myself in those 2 months than I had my entire life.
Goal #2: Get a good job. I thought I had that with Avis, until I started to dig beneath the surface. Never would I have imagined being trapped...hook, line, and sinker, the way I was with that company. It smothered me in lies and empty promises, and I got to a point where I couldn't take any more. There's only so much strength one can muster each day in such a horrible work environment.
Hurdle #3: Immigration. We are on our way to apply for Phil to get his visa to come stay with me forever and ever and ever. This, perhaps, will be the single most difficult test of my life.
In just the few short months since I wrote this, I have accomplished 2 out of the 3, and we are mid-way through the 3rd. The title, "The Power of a Year" is the original title, but it really doesn't capture the scope of it all. It's been less than 3 months, and I've had some major accomplishments. When I really look back to where I was almost 3 years ago, and I see where I am now, I can't help but to feel proud of myself. I am able to make car and insurance payments -- by myself. That is a hugely personal victory, and it's something I am very proud of now, given that I lost my car to repossession in January 2011.
Today, I was able to kind of pick myself up after last night's bout of melancholy. I woke up to a text from my friend Ashley that she had a new Tastefully Simple customer for me. I spent lunch with my good friend Rachel, spent some time with my dad after that, and spent the evening with my brother and his girls. Today was the sunshine after last night's rain.
So, anyway, this ends my ramble. I'm starting to feel like Holden Caufield.....but at least I feel better. Until we meet again.........
One year ago today, I left England. I came back to the American life. I was once again separated from the love of my life and forced to start over. But I had a new focus: start the rebuilding process so that Phil and I could start planning our future.
The big D was priority #1. I filed for divorce from my now ex-husband almost immediately. Describing that as a trying time would be an understatement....not emotionally; I mean, I was completely over him. Trust me. I didn't know how the process worked, how long it would take, how he (the ex) would react...and I had NO money for a lawyer, so I had to wing it. I do have to say that the entire process was probably the biggest test of strength and courage I've ever endured. I discovered more about myself in those 2 months than I had my entire life.
Goal #2: Get a good job. I thought I had that with Avis, until I started to dig beneath the surface. Never would I have imagined being trapped...hook, line, and sinker, the way I was with that company. It smothered me in lies and empty promises, and I got to a point where I couldn't take any more. There's only so much strength one can muster each day in such a horrible work environment.
Hurdle #3: Immigration. We are on our way to apply for Phil to get his visa to come stay with me forever and ever and ever. This, perhaps, will be the single most difficult test of my life.
In just the few short months since I wrote this, I have accomplished 2 out of the 3, and we are mid-way through the 3rd. The title, "The Power of a Year" is the original title, but it really doesn't capture the scope of it all. It's been less than 3 months, and I've had some major accomplishments. When I really look back to where I was almost 3 years ago, and I see where I am now, I can't help but to feel proud of myself. I am able to make car and insurance payments -- by myself. That is a hugely personal victory, and it's something I am very proud of now, given that I lost my car to repossession in January 2011.
Today, I was able to kind of pick myself up after last night's bout of melancholy. I woke up to a text from my friend Ashley that she had a new Tastefully Simple customer for me. I spent lunch with my good friend Rachel, spent some time with my dad after that, and spent the evening with my brother and his girls. Today was the sunshine after last night's rain.
So, anyway, this ends my ramble. I'm starting to feel like Holden Caufield.....but at least I feel better. Until we meet again.........
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Losing My Way, Leading Me Home
Most of the sadness in my life boils down to one thing: I miss my husband. Phil is most definitely my better half, and my source of completion, and I simply just miss him when he's not here. There's nothing quite like being separated from your soulmate. I truly feel empty. Don't get me wrong, I have friends and family here, and I live a busy life....but all of it seems without purpose when I can't share it with my one and only.
Lately, I have found myself searching for joy in every day things. I am dipping my feet back into the fountain of music (slowly, but surely), I have taken up Tastefully Simple, I am trying to find the gumption to be more social with my friends and family, and I am blessed to have a good job with a great company...I'm really just trying to make it through, one day at a time.
I've done a pretty good job of letting go of the stress and worry surrounding the immigration process at hand. Carrying that around with me serves no benefit, but the curiosity and anticipation is enough to make my head explode. It just seems utterly ridiculous, the red tape we have to cut through. I'm doing my best to keep a positive, optimistic attitude about it, though. Again, worry will not make the process any quicker or any more certain.
I'm grateful that my mom has opened her doors to me, and I will never be able to repay her for all the help she has given me over the past couple of years. With that said, there are some days when I struggle with the fact that I don't have a place to call my own. It makes me sad that I'm 32 years old, and I am still crawling, digging my way up. I feel like Job. This is probably the biggest test of patience and/or faith I've ever encountered in my life.
In my room, I have a plaque hanging on my wall that I wake up and see every single day. It says, "Sometimes losing our way is the best and most beautiful route home." There has never been anything so true. Considering where I came from, and what I fought through over the past few years, I am on the right path to forever happiness. I just need to stay focused, remain patient, and keep my eyes on the prize.
Lately, I have found myself searching for joy in every day things. I am dipping my feet back into the fountain of music (slowly, but surely), I have taken up Tastefully Simple, I am trying to find the gumption to be more social with my friends and family, and I am blessed to have a good job with a great company...I'm really just trying to make it through, one day at a time.
I've done a pretty good job of letting go of the stress and worry surrounding the immigration process at hand. Carrying that around with me serves no benefit, but the curiosity and anticipation is enough to make my head explode. It just seems utterly ridiculous, the red tape we have to cut through. I'm doing my best to keep a positive, optimistic attitude about it, though. Again, worry will not make the process any quicker or any more certain.
I'm grateful that my mom has opened her doors to me, and I will never be able to repay her for all the help she has given me over the past couple of years. With that said, there are some days when I struggle with the fact that I don't have a place to call my own. It makes me sad that I'm 32 years old, and I am still crawling, digging my way up. I feel like Job. This is probably the biggest test of patience and/or faith I've ever encountered in my life.
In my room, I have a plaque hanging on my wall that I wake up and see every single day. It says, "Sometimes losing our way is the best and most beautiful route home." There has never been anything so true. Considering where I came from, and what I fought through over the past few years, I am on the right path to forever happiness. I just need to stay focused, remain patient, and keep my eyes on the prize.
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