I have a heavy heart today. This weekend was rough on me, and I'm falling back in to a feeling of numbness that I haven't felt in a while. This morning, I started my day by posting a bible verse as my status:
"Love
is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not
proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not
easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in
evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
I didn't quote the book, chapter, and verse, because I was really sort of just speaking it. There is someone out there who desperately needs to hear it, and they never will because they have decided to shut me out of their life.
Whether or not you are a follower of Christianity, I think it's safe to say that this description of love is pretty accurate for everyone. As I thought about this throughout the day, it occurred to me that you can't claim to love someone -- either familial, spousal, or neighborly -- if you don't possess these qualities of love.
I often think of what I've ever done to deserve the struggles I face. Every day, I wonder what I'm being punished for. For year after year, I have struggled financially. During my marriage, there was one point when I held down three jobs while my husband lay on the couch, dicking around on eBay. We ultimately lost the house, my car was repossessed (and he blamed ME for it), and he stole my tax refund right out from under me. I never got a fair chance to rebuild my life.
For the past year, I have worked my butt off, just trying to survive. I still have nothing. No car, no place of my own, no financial independence -- I don't even have a TV in my room. All I have are my books, DVD's, clothes, and my flute. I constantly teeter-totter on the idea of selling my flute, but I can never give myself a clear answer on which is more beneficial: keeping it or selling it.
For over 10 years, people have told me things will get better. My question to them is, "When?" How long do I have to fight for my new life? How long will it be before the "better" finds me? Sometimes I secretly wish I were on Undercover Boss, and someone would hear my story and decide that maybe I am deserving of a break. There are two people in this world who truly know 100% of what I have been through, and the other person would completely deny any wrong-doing to save his face. I am so tired of living penny to penny, paycheck to paycheck, day to day, struggle to struggle. I just need a break. A winning lottery ticket, an anonymous philanthropist, a trusting co-signer, a Joe Dirt situation where I give someone what's in my pockets for an old car to get me around....anything.
So maybe some of you perceive me to be materialistic and focusing too much on worldly things. My response to all of you is that you are not in my shoes. It's not wrong to want a few basic things in life, and I'm not greedy about it.
I am working my ass off at CarMax, and I am on a good track to make decent money. I am worried, though, because at any given moment, my one mode of transportation could be taken away from me without my knowing it. I'm terrified that I will walk out of my apartment to go to work, and the car will be gone. I'm desperate to get out from under that control.
I try to be patient, and I try to tell myself to take it one day at a time, but it's really getting more and more difficult. It must just be my life's destiny to struggle. Maybe one day, I'll be able to look back and find the reason why.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
Day One Learnings
I've always been a fast learner, but never did I imagine that I would learn something after only one day of budgeting.
First of all, let me just say that this meal plan budget thing really takes the guesswork out of shopping. There was no meandering, no thinking, no wondering if I should get this over that; there was just me and my list traveling down each aisle, selecting only what I had to get in order to complete the meals I have planned out for the next two weeks. I was such a good patron and stuck to my list, except for a few impulse purchases (chocolate milk and gum at the register.) I walked out feeling extremely accomplished, knowing that I had bought 5 meals worth of groceries for less than $70 -- including enough for leftovers. Of course, I had to take in to account the items I already had at home, but in my defense, that wasn't much, so I bought most of what I needed today. I felt (and still feel) so proud of myself!
But as I headed home, and was gloating to myself, I realized that budgeting helps you do more than manage your money. It helps you prioritize. This is going to sound really stupid, but I actually reflected back on my shopping experience and remembered thinking that I was only shopping for what I needed. Then I started thinking about the rest of my budget. I have my money divided up for things that are important. Keeping a budget for things like clothes, my crafty bits, and eating out has made me realize that I need to seriously consider what I want to spend before I actually spend it. It is making me realize that money runs out, and I need to focus on what is truly a priority in my life before I spend my hard-earned money on it. Lord knows (and so do most of you) that my money is earned whole-heartedly. My money has my blood, sweat, and tears all over it, and I'm slightly disappointed in myself that I didn't have this realization sooner.
When I was married, I had no choice but to watch every penny as it left my bank account, because I was the only one working...I was busting my ass in three jobs, and running in a hamster wheel for nearly the full 10 years. So, when I left, and started life on my own, I had a warped sense of financial freedom...thinking that I could spend my money on anything I wanted to now, because I didn't have to support anyone anymore. It has taken me all this time to realize that what I've needlessly spent over the last 2 1/2 years could have been cut in half, had I thought about needing it in the future.
I now have a large goal to reach in a short amount of time, and I regret that I have been so careless. I'm now trying to pick up my own slack and work as much as I can, doing anything I can, to meet my goal. My priority is spending Christmas with Phil. He is my prize, and my eyes are on it.
First of all, let me just say that this meal plan budget thing really takes the guesswork out of shopping. There was no meandering, no thinking, no wondering if I should get this over that; there was just me and my list traveling down each aisle, selecting only what I had to get in order to complete the meals I have planned out for the next two weeks. I was such a good patron and stuck to my list, except for a few impulse purchases (chocolate milk and gum at the register.) I walked out feeling extremely accomplished, knowing that I had bought 5 meals worth of groceries for less than $70 -- including enough for leftovers. Of course, I had to take in to account the items I already had at home, but in my defense, that wasn't much, so I bought most of what I needed today. I felt (and still feel) so proud of myself!
But as I headed home, and was gloating to myself, I realized that budgeting helps you do more than manage your money. It helps you prioritize. This is going to sound really stupid, but I actually reflected back on my shopping experience and remembered thinking that I was only shopping for what I needed. Then I started thinking about the rest of my budget. I have my money divided up for things that are important. Keeping a budget for things like clothes, my crafty bits, and eating out has made me realize that I need to seriously consider what I want to spend before I actually spend it. It is making me realize that money runs out, and I need to focus on what is truly a priority in my life before I spend my hard-earned money on it. Lord knows (and so do most of you) that my money is earned whole-heartedly. My money has my blood, sweat, and tears all over it, and I'm slightly disappointed in myself that I didn't have this realization sooner.
When I was married, I had no choice but to watch every penny as it left my bank account, because I was the only one working...I was busting my ass in three jobs, and running in a hamster wheel for nearly the full 10 years. So, when I left, and started life on my own, I had a warped sense of financial freedom...thinking that I could spend my money on anything I wanted to now, because I didn't have to support anyone anymore. It has taken me all this time to realize that what I've needlessly spent over the last 2 1/2 years could have been cut in half, had I thought about needing it in the future.
I now have a large goal to reach in a short amount of time, and I regret that I have been so careless. I'm now trying to pick up my own slack and work as much as I can, doing anything I can, to meet my goal. My priority is spending Christmas with Phil. He is my prize, and my eyes are on it.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
De-funkifying
I've been in a funk. A rut. A slump. You get the picture. I'm constantly trying to think how I can make myself a better me, one who is more well-rounded and generally happy. I decided a couple weeks ago that I'm going to make a lifestyle change. More than one, actually. I think one's lifestyle is composed of so many different elements, from health to finances to work/life balance to hobbies....
I decided that I need an overhaul in nearly every single area of my life.
Lifestyle Change #1. Stop freelance writing. Most of you all know that I was doing freelance writing for a web content company. While the larger assignments brought me a good little gap-filler between paydays, I was ultimately spending every free moment I had writing random content of which I had no prior knowledge. I wasn't talking to anyone, wasn't going outside to enjoy the summer...I wasn't even watching TV (GASP!)
Lifestyle Change #2. Get on a budget. I've never been great at managing money, and frankly, my ex-husband left me with nothing after the divorce. No house, no car, no money -- nothing. I'm a 30-something who has had to start from zero and climb her way back up to where she can survive while living at home with her mom. I'm extremely grateful that I have a place to go, and I have a job where I'm happy and am headed for greatness. It's just really tough to have to depend on people. My sister is gracious enough to allow me to drive her car until I can get enough under my belt to get one of my own, and I will never be able to repay her for that. My brother has been helpful enough to sit down with me and help me work out how to allocate my finances, so that I can save enough to go visit my Philly at Christmas, and enough to start the immigration paperwork. I need him here, and I can't wait for the day that dream comes true.
Lifestyle Change #3. Cut out the crap. I've essentially stopped drinking Coke, of any kind, and after just a few short weeks, I can tell a huge difference in how I feel internally, and how my skin looks and feels externally. I've gone from about 2-3 per day to 1-2 per week, which, when you do the math, is a huge reduction. I've started mapping out a meal plan, so that I don't have to eat out at work so much. I can divulge in my leftovers; it's a win-win since I love to cook.
Lifestyle Change #4. Hit the gym. For the longest time, I've felt guilty about leaving the house for fear of taking time away from Phil. But I got to thinking about it, and I know he wants me to feel good about myself, and he wants nothing but happiness for me, so why shouldn't I take a little bit of time each day to focus on me? My apartment complex has a small fitness center with 24/7 access for a small yearly fee, so come next payday (tomorrow, as a matter of fact,) I'm going to take advantage of the convenience and pay to join. I'm always telling everyone to use their resources, but it seems I never take my own advice. Well, it's about time that I do.
Lifestyle Change #5. Enjoy life. I've realized that it's okay if I want to go have coffee with a friend, or go to Uptown Art, or enjoy a day by the pool with my sister and my niece. I've made no secret about my passion for interior design, so I'm definitely going to spend more time fixing up furniture and trying my hand at making a few extra bucks at it.
Among these things, there are others that I want to incorporate. I want to read more, I want to blog more, I want to sing more, and I want to play more music. These things are slowly fading from my life, and it makes me sad.
I feel like I'm on track to becoming a new, improved me. I've made some small steps to get myself started, but my steps will turn into strides soon, and before I know it, I will be de-funked.
I decided that I need an overhaul in nearly every single area of my life.
Lifestyle Change #1. Stop freelance writing. Most of you all know that I was doing freelance writing for a web content company. While the larger assignments brought me a good little gap-filler between paydays, I was ultimately spending every free moment I had writing random content of which I had no prior knowledge. I wasn't talking to anyone, wasn't going outside to enjoy the summer...I wasn't even watching TV (GASP!)
Lifestyle Change #2. Get on a budget. I've never been great at managing money, and frankly, my ex-husband left me with nothing after the divorce. No house, no car, no money -- nothing. I'm a 30-something who has had to start from zero and climb her way back up to where she can survive while living at home with her mom. I'm extremely grateful that I have a place to go, and I have a job where I'm happy and am headed for greatness. It's just really tough to have to depend on people. My sister is gracious enough to allow me to drive her car until I can get enough under my belt to get one of my own, and I will never be able to repay her for that. My brother has been helpful enough to sit down with me and help me work out how to allocate my finances, so that I can save enough to go visit my Philly at Christmas, and enough to start the immigration paperwork. I need him here, and I can't wait for the day that dream comes true.
Lifestyle Change #3. Cut out the crap. I've essentially stopped drinking Coke, of any kind, and after just a few short weeks, I can tell a huge difference in how I feel internally, and how my skin looks and feels externally. I've gone from about 2-3 per day to 1-2 per week, which, when you do the math, is a huge reduction. I've started mapping out a meal plan, so that I don't have to eat out at work so much. I can divulge in my leftovers; it's a win-win since I love to cook.
Lifestyle Change #4. Hit the gym. For the longest time, I've felt guilty about leaving the house for fear of taking time away from Phil. But I got to thinking about it, and I know he wants me to feel good about myself, and he wants nothing but happiness for me, so why shouldn't I take a little bit of time each day to focus on me? My apartment complex has a small fitness center with 24/7 access for a small yearly fee, so come next payday (tomorrow, as a matter of fact,) I'm going to take advantage of the convenience and pay to join. I'm always telling everyone to use their resources, but it seems I never take my own advice. Well, it's about time that I do.
Lifestyle Change #5. Enjoy life. I've realized that it's okay if I want to go have coffee with a friend, or go to Uptown Art, or enjoy a day by the pool with my sister and my niece. I've made no secret about my passion for interior design, so I'm definitely going to spend more time fixing up furniture and trying my hand at making a few extra bucks at it.
Among these things, there are others that I want to incorporate. I want to read more, I want to blog more, I want to sing more, and I want to play more music. These things are slowly fading from my life, and it makes me sad.
I feel like I'm on track to becoming a new, improved me. I've made some small steps to get myself started, but my steps will turn into strides soon, and before I know it, I will be de-funked.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)