My life is so flippin' random. No matter how much effort I put into giving it some structure, I am always left spinning in circles. Sixty days ago, I made a career change into corporate America and became a Payroll Specialist for Paychex. I actually just came back from a week in Rochester, NY, which went by so quickly, yet so slowly, all at the same time. I am still confident that this change is one of the better decisions I have made as of late, and the payoff is awesome. While I still work at Carmax part time, I finally have a schedule that my body can follow. Sure, I'm tired some mornings, but isn't everyone?
I've slowly opened up about some health issues I've been facing recently, as well. Over the past 6-8 months, every blood pressure reading I have had has been really high. What's normal? Something like 120/80? When I went to the Little Clinic one day for an upper respiratory infection, it was 183/110. Just last week, it was 152/100. I'm 32 years old and I'm experiencing hypertension. It's really starting to make me nervous, so I've been on the hunt for a doctor, and have requested an appointment. I don't want to be in danger of stroking out before Phil gets here. OH! I forgot! Immigration: Phase 1 is COMPLETE and APPROVED! In layman's terms, this just means that the USCIS (Dept of Immigration) has approved my application to bring Phil over as my husband. This is a HUGE step. Anywho, back to the blood pressure thing. I have been trying to make a conscious effort to decrease the amount of caffeinated drinks I ingest, and while I don't eat much salt to begin with, I have also been trying to cut that out...as much as I can and still have some flavor to my food. I have reeeeeaaaaaaallllllllly tried to drink water, at least 85-90% of the time. It is damn near impossible for me to give up the occasional Coke or Sweet Tea.
I get to the gym in spurts -- as much as I can. Planet Fitness is a good place. If I can just get this stupid foot to cooperate, things would be copacetic.
The best part about my whole job change is getting to see more of my family -- something I missed out on for too many years. My nieces bring so much joy to my life, and I just can't get enough of them. Tonight was the middle one's 3rd birthday party...to the theme of Frozen, of course. My brother and his wife, and my sister and I all grew up around the same people, so naturally, several of those people with whom I grew up were there, with all their kids running around. I was sitting far away from all the noise and chaos when it hit me: I'm only friends with ONE of these people on Facebook (not counting my family in that equation, of course.) I found it to be an interesting paradox that these people who knew much more about me than I knew of myself for all these years have no part in my daily life, yet we all see each other on a pretty consistent basis because my brother and his wife are pretty sociable. We're talkin' cookouts, Derby parties, birthday parties...really any reason to have people together and eat and be crazy. Then I started wondering why it even mattered whether or not we were Facebook friends. Facebook doesn't define my life...or is it starting to? I use Facebook a lot. I mean, A LOT. Mostly because I enjoy writing clever statuses that make people laugh, whether it's about a TV show or some political current event or some pop-culture phenomenon. In general, people get a kick out of what I write. There have been many times when I have contemplated pursuing a genre and just writing something, anything, every day. I feel good when I write. I feel good when I read. I feel good when I play music. I'm really good at all 3 of those things, so why can't I figure out a way to make time for them? Maybe quitting job #2 would be a start, but I'm so close to earning the Vegas trip I can SMELL IT (that's another blog post for another time.)
I'd like to have a blog that people want to read, and enjoy reading. I like to be engaged in discussion and conversation, and I like voicing my perspective on things. Your #1 suggestion is going to be to set aside 30 minutes each night to write whatever I want to write. I'm okay with a goal like that -- it's easy, and attainable, for sure. MY problem with goals is that I have zero accountability. None. Zip. Zilch. NADA. I have no one to answer to if I don't get down 300 words a night, or if I don't get someone's question answered. I have the will to do more, but what's my incentive? Self therapy every night? Maybe. But is that enough? No.
I suppose all this rambling is the "Spring Cleaning" of my mind. Maybe 30 minutes a night is all I need.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Thanks
I'm not really in the spirit of the season. Over the years, the excitement of the joyous festivities had become a hassle and an event-planning nightmare. I was dragged on a 12-hour excursion that was only meant to be a 4-hour road trip, because apparently it was a good idea to stop at EVERY.SINGLE.WALMART from Bowling Green to Paintsville. Coulda fooled me. Anyway, I digress. Now, I've been home for almost 3 years, and I get to cook for Thanksgiving. It's truly one of my best therapies. I get all day Wednesday to myself (with Phil on FaceTime) to mix, slice, dice, season, baste, simmer, bake, compile, cook, play, experiment, dance, lick spoons....what ever else I can do in my tiny little kitchen...all while listening to the music of my choice. For 12 hours, I am free.
After all that me-time, I get to spend time with my family. I get to watch them chow down after a long day at work, and I get to hear them tell me how great everything tastes (because yes, I'm a hell of a cook!) I am thankful that something I enjoy doing brings them happiness...and full bellies.
I am not thankful for the distance between Phil and me. To be quite honest with you, it really sucks big donkey balls that we can't spend the holidays together. Particularly because that's exactly what this time of year is set aside for. Not to mention that Phil has never experienced the absolute luxurious satisfaction of a full-on American Thanksgiving dinner. And if anyone has the audacity to try and make me feel guilty for feeling sad about it, I'll show you where you can stick your turkey. While everyone's specific situations are different, the bottom line is that separation is separation, distance is distance, and pain is pain. None of that will go away until he is here with me. So don't even go there.
Sometimes, I do find it difficult to be grateful for things in my life. Am I grateful that I'm broke? Hell no. Am I thankful for idiots on the Gene Snyder? Bet your ass I'm not. Do I have regrets? Yep, sure do. Should I be thankful that I struggle? That depends. What I really want is quite simple: a home of my own that I can share with my husband. That doesn't seem like an extraordinary request, does it? It's really easy for a lot of people to be able to fulfill that. Am I thankful for this lesson in patience? Absolutely not. Will I be grateful for the reward after it's complete? Absolutely yes.
I realize that a lot of my "Debbie Downer" moments circle back to the distance between Phil and me, but he's really all that's missing from my life. So, let me do you a favor and end this blog on a higher note. I promise, it'll make you feel all warm and fuzzy.
Here's what I'm truly, deeply, inherently thankful for...more than one day a year:
1. I am thankful to be the strong woman I have become. This has been a huge personal accomplishment for me. I am no longer feeble. I can stand up for myself (and generally have no qualms about it.)
2. I am thankful for Stuart. He turned 9 (nine. NINE!!) this year, and he has been by my side through some of my darkest days. He is a little shithead sometimes, but he's the cutest damn dog on the planet. I love my little tripod twerp. He is an amazing companion that still loves me, despite all my flaws...including saying no to treats....
3. I am thankful for the people who remain in my life unconditionally. Through all the adversity, I am blessed to be able to count my most loyal friends on one hand. We all have a lot of years tied up in each others' lives, and that deserves recognition and respect. You know who you are. I love you, and thank you for loving me.
4. I am thankful for my gifts. Music and cooking bring me more inner peace than anything, and I love that they are both things that bring other people joy.
5. I am thankful that I have a family that has never turned its back on me (for the most part.) They pulled me out of a deep, dark hole and came to my rescue, and that is something for which I can never repay them.
6. I am thankful that I have a stable job with a good company. It sounds cliche (or not, depending on where you work,) but I have finally found a place where I belong. It just took me a while to see it.
7. I am thankful for my love. He is the biggest blessing in my life.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving. Really remember what makes your life valuable, and keep it close to your heart.
After all that me-time, I get to spend time with my family. I get to watch them chow down after a long day at work, and I get to hear them tell me how great everything tastes (because yes, I'm a hell of a cook!) I am thankful that something I enjoy doing brings them happiness...and full bellies.
I am not thankful for the distance between Phil and me. To be quite honest with you, it really sucks big donkey balls that we can't spend the holidays together. Particularly because that's exactly what this time of year is set aside for. Not to mention that Phil has never experienced the absolute luxurious satisfaction of a full-on American Thanksgiving dinner. And if anyone has the audacity to try and make me feel guilty for feeling sad about it, I'll show you where you can stick your turkey. While everyone's specific situations are different, the bottom line is that separation is separation, distance is distance, and pain is pain. None of that will go away until he is here with me. So don't even go there.
Sometimes, I do find it difficult to be grateful for things in my life. Am I grateful that I'm broke? Hell no. Am I thankful for idiots on the Gene Snyder? Bet your ass I'm not. Do I have regrets? Yep, sure do. Should I be thankful that I struggle? That depends. What I really want is quite simple: a home of my own that I can share with my husband. That doesn't seem like an extraordinary request, does it? It's really easy for a lot of people to be able to fulfill that. Am I thankful for this lesson in patience? Absolutely not. Will I be grateful for the reward after it's complete? Absolutely yes.
I realize that a lot of my "Debbie Downer" moments circle back to the distance between Phil and me, but he's really all that's missing from my life. So, let me do you a favor and end this blog on a higher note. I promise, it'll make you feel all warm and fuzzy.
Here's what I'm truly, deeply, inherently thankful for...more than one day a year:
1. I am thankful to be the strong woman I have become. This has been a huge personal accomplishment for me. I am no longer feeble. I can stand up for myself (and generally have no qualms about it.)
2. I am thankful for Stuart. He turned 9 (nine. NINE!!) this year, and he has been by my side through some of my darkest days. He is a little shithead sometimes, but he's the cutest damn dog on the planet. I love my little tripod twerp. He is an amazing companion that still loves me, despite all my flaws...including saying no to treats....
3. I am thankful for the people who remain in my life unconditionally. Through all the adversity, I am blessed to be able to count my most loyal friends on one hand. We all have a lot of years tied up in each others' lives, and that deserves recognition and respect. You know who you are. I love you, and thank you for loving me.
4. I am thankful for my gifts. Music and cooking bring me more inner peace than anything, and I love that they are both things that bring other people joy.
5. I am thankful that I have a family that has never turned its back on me (for the most part.) They pulled me out of a deep, dark hole and came to my rescue, and that is something for which I can never repay them.
6. I am thankful that I have a stable job with a good company. It sounds cliche (or not, depending on where you work,) but I have finally found a place where I belong. It just took me a while to see it.
7. I am thankful for my love. He is the biggest blessing in my life.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving. Really remember what makes your life valuable, and keep it close to your heart.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
The Power of a Year
When I logged in to write my blog last night, I found this unfinished draft from July 31st:
One year ago today, I left England. I came back to the American life. I was once again separated from the love of my life and forced to start over. But I had a new focus: start the rebuilding process so that Phil and I could start planning our future.
The big D was priority #1. I filed for divorce from my now ex-husband almost immediately. Describing that as a trying time would be an understatement....not emotionally; I mean, I was completely over him. Trust me. I didn't know how the process worked, how long it would take, how he (the ex) would react...and I had NO money for a lawyer, so I had to wing it. I do have to say that the entire process was probably the biggest test of strength and courage I've ever endured. I discovered more about myself in those 2 months than I had my entire life.
Goal #2: Get a good job. I thought I had that with Avis, until I started to dig beneath the surface. Never would I have imagined being trapped...hook, line, and sinker, the way I was with that company. It smothered me in lies and empty promises, and I got to a point where I couldn't take any more. There's only so much strength one can muster each day in such a horrible work environment.
Hurdle #3: Immigration. We are on our way to apply for Phil to get his visa to come stay with me forever and ever and ever. This, perhaps, will be the single most difficult test of my life.
In just the few short months since I wrote this, I have accomplished 2 out of the 3, and we are mid-way through the 3rd. The title, "The Power of a Year" is the original title, but it really doesn't capture the scope of it all. It's been less than 3 months, and I've had some major accomplishments. When I really look back to where I was almost 3 years ago, and I see where I am now, I can't help but to feel proud of myself. I am able to make car and insurance payments -- by myself. That is a hugely personal victory, and it's something I am very proud of now, given that I lost my car to repossession in January 2011.
Today, I was able to kind of pick myself up after last night's bout of melancholy. I woke up to a text from my friend Ashley that she had a new Tastefully Simple customer for me. I spent lunch with my good friend Rachel, spent some time with my dad after that, and spent the evening with my brother and his girls. Today was the sunshine after last night's rain.
So, anyway, this ends my ramble. I'm starting to feel like Holden Caufield.....but at least I feel better. Until we meet again.........
One year ago today, I left England. I came back to the American life. I was once again separated from the love of my life and forced to start over. But I had a new focus: start the rebuilding process so that Phil and I could start planning our future.
The big D was priority #1. I filed for divorce from my now ex-husband almost immediately. Describing that as a trying time would be an understatement....not emotionally; I mean, I was completely over him. Trust me. I didn't know how the process worked, how long it would take, how he (the ex) would react...and I had NO money for a lawyer, so I had to wing it. I do have to say that the entire process was probably the biggest test of strength and courage I've ever endured. I discovered more about myself in those 2 months than I had my entire life.
Goal #2: Get a good job. I thought I had that with Avis, until I started to dig beneath the surface. Never would I have imagined being trapped...hook, line, and sinker, the way I was with that company. It smothered me in lies and empty promises, and I got to a point where I couldn't take any more. There's only so much strength one can muster each day in such a horrible work environment.
Hurdle #3: Immigration. We are on our way to apply for Phil to get his visa to come stay with me forever and ever and ever. This, perhaps, will be the single most difficult test of my life.
In just the few short months since I wrote this, I have accomplished 2 out of the 3, and we are mid-way through the 3rd. The title, "The Power of a Year" is the original title, but it really doesn't capture the scope of it all. It's been less than 3 months, and I've had some major accomplishments. When I really look back to where I was almost 3 years ago, and I see where I am now, I can't help but to feel proud of myself. I am able to make car and insurance payments -- by myself. That is a hugely personal victory, and it's something I am very proud of now, given that I lost my car to repossession in January 2011.
Today, I was able to kind of pick myself up after last night's bout of melancholy. I woke up to a text from my friend Ashley that she had a new Tastefully Simple customer for me. I spent lunch with my good friend Rachel, spent some time with my dad after that, and spent the evening with my brother and his girls. Today was the sunshine after last night's rain.
So, anyway, this ends my ramble. I'm starting to feel like Holden Caufield.....but at least I feel better. Until we meet again.........
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Losing My Way, Leading Me Home
Most of the sadness in my life boils down to one thing: I miss my husband. Phil is most definitely my better half, and my source of completion, and I simply just miss him when he's not here. There's nothing quite like being separated from your soulmate. I truly feel empty. Don't get me wrong, I have friends and family here, and I live a busy life....but all of it seems without purpose when I can't share it with my one and only.
Lately, I have found myself searching for joy in every day things. I am dipping my feet back into the fountain of music (slowly, but surely), I have taken up Tastefully Simple, I am trying to find the gumption to be more social with my friends and family, and I am blessed to have a good job with a great company...I'm really just trying to make it through, one day at a time.
I've done a pretty good job of letting go of the stress and worry surrounding the immigration process at hand. Carrying that around with me serves no benefit, but the curiosity and anticipation is enough to make my head explode. It just seems utterly ridiculous, the red tape we have to cut through. I'm doing my best to keep a positive, optimistic attitude about it, though. Again, worry will not make the process any quicker or any more certain.
I'm grateful that my mom has opened her doors to me, and I will never be able to repay her for all the help she has given me over the past couple of years. With that said, there are some days when I struggle with the fact that I don't have a place to call my own. It makes me sad that I'm 32 years old, and I am still crawling, digging my way up. I feel like Job. This is probably the biggest test of patience and/or faith I've ever encountered in my life.
In my room, I have a plaque hanging on my wall that I wake up and see every single day. It says, "Sometimes losing our way is the best and most beautiful route home." There has never been anything so true. Considering where I came from, and what I fought through over the past few years, I am on the right path to forever happiness. I just need to stay focused, remain patient, and keep my eyes on the prize.
Lately, I have found myself searching for joy in every day things. I am dipping my feet back into the fountain of music (slowly, but surely), I have taken up Tastefully Simple, I am trying to find the gumption to be more social with my friends and family, and I am blessed to have a good job with a great company...I'm really just trying to make it through, one day at a time.
I've done a pretty good job of letting go of the stress and worry surrounding the immigration process at hand. Carrying that around with me serves no benefit, but the curiosity and anticipation is enough to make my head explode. It just seems utterly ridiculous, the red tape we have to cut through. I'm doing my best to keep a positive, optimistic attitude about it, though. Again, worry will not make the process any quicker or any more certain.
I'm grateful that my mom has opened her doors to me, and I will never be able to repay her for all the help she has given me over the past couple of years. With that said, there are some days when I struggle with the fact that I don't have a place to call my own. It makes me sad that I'm 32 years old, and I am still crawling, digging my way up. I feel like Job. This is probably the biggest test of patience and/or faith I've ever encountered in my life.
In my room, I have a plaque hanging on my wall that I wake up and see every single day. It says, "Sometimes losing our way is the best and most beautiful route home." There has never been anything so true. Considering where I came from, and what I fought through over the past few years, I am on the right path to forever happiness. I just need to stay focused, remain patient, and keep my eyes on the prize.
Monday, July 15, 2013
My Heavy Heart Needs Answers
I have a heavy heart today. This weekend was rough on me, and I'm falling back in to a feeling of numbness that I haven't felt in a while. This morning, I started my day by posting a bible verse as my status:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
I didn't quote the book, chapter, and verse, because I was really sort of just speaking it. There is someone out there who desperately needs to hear it, and they never will because they have decided to shut me out of their life.
Whether or not you are a follower of Christianity, I think it's safe to say that this description of love is pretty accurate for everyone. As I thought about this throughout the day, it occurred to me that you can't claim to love someone -- either familial, spousal, or neighborly -- if you don't possess these qualities of love.
I often think of what I've ever done to deserve the struggles I face. Every day, I wonder what I'm being punished for. For year after year, I have struggled financially. During my marriage, there was one point when I held down three jobs while my husband lay on the couch, dicking around on eBay. We ultimately lost the house, my car was repossessed (and he blamed ME for it), and he stole my tax refund right out from under me. I never got a fair chance to rebuild my life.
For the past year, I have worked my butt off, just trying to survive. I still have nothing. No car, no place of my own, no financial independence -- I don't even have a TV in my room. All I have are my books, DVD's, clothes, and my flute. I constantly teeter-totter on the idea of selling my flute, but I can never give myself a clear answer on which is more beneficial: keeping it or selling it.
For over 10 years, people have told me things will get better. My question to them is, "When?" How long do I have to fight for my new life? How long will it be before the "better" finds me? Sometimes I secretly wish I were on Undercover Boss, and someone would hear my story and decide that maybe I am deserving of a break. There are two people in this world who truly know 100% of what I have been through, and the other person would completely deny any wrong-doing to save his face. I am so tired of living penny to penny, paycheck to paycheck, day to day, struggle to struggle. I just need a break. A winning lottery ticket, an anonymous philanthropist, a trusting co-signer, a Joe Dirt situation where I give someone what's in my pockets for an old car to get me around....anything.
So maybe some of you perceive me to be materialistic and focusing too much on worldly things. My response to all of you is that you are not in my shoes. It's not wrong to want a few basic things in life, and I'm not greedy about it.
I am working my ass off at CarMax, and I am on a good track to make decent money. I am worried, though, because at any given moment, my one mode of transportation could be taken away from me without my knowing it. I'm terrified that I will walk out of my apartment to go to work, and the car will be gone. I'm desperate to get out from under that control.
I try to be patient, and I try to tell myself to take it one day at a time, but it's really getting more and more difficult. It must just be my life's destiny to struggle. Maybe one day, I'll be able to look back and find the reason why.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
I didn't quote the book, chapter, and verse, because I was really sort of just speaking it. There is someone out there who desperately needs to hear it, and they never will because they have decided to shut me out of their life.
Whether or not you are a follower of Christianity, I think it's safe to say that this description of love is pretty accurate for everyone. As I thought about this throughout the day, it occurred to me that you can't claim to love someone -- either familial, spousal, or neighborly -- if you don't possess these qualities of love.
I often think of what I've ever done to deserve the struggles I face. Every day, I wonder what I'm being punished for. For year after year, I have struggled financially. During my marriage, there was one point when I held down three jobs while my husband lay on the couch, dicking around on eBay. We ultimately lost the house, my car was repossessed (and he blamed ME for it), and he stole my tax refund right out from under me. I never got a fair chance to rebuild my life.
For the past year, I have worked my butt off, just trying to survive. I still have nothing. No car, no place of my own, no financial independence -- I don't even have a TV in my room. All I have are my books, DVD's, clothes, and my flute. I constantly teeter-totter on the idea of selling my flute, but I can never give myself a clear answer on which is more beneficial: keeping it or selling it.
For over 10 years, people have told me things will get better. My question to them is, "When?" How long do I have to fight for my new life? How long will it be before the "better" finds me? Sometimes I secretly wish I were on Undercover Boss, and someone would hear my story and decide that maybe I am deserving of a break. There are two people in this world who truly know 100% of what I have been through, and the other person would completely deny any wrong-doing to save his face. I am so tired of living penny to penny, paycheck to paycheck, day to day, struggle to struggle. I just need a break. A winning lottery ticket, an anonymous philanthropist, a trusting co-signer, a Joe Dirt situation where I give someone what's in my pockets for an old car to get me around....anything.
So maybe some of you perceive me to be materialistic and focusing too much on worldly things. My response to all of you is that you are not in my shoes. It's not wrong to want a few basic things in life, and I'm not greedy about it.
I am working my ass off at CarMax, and I am on a good track to make decent money. I am worried, though, because at any given moment, my one mode of transportation could be taken away from me without my knowing it. I'm terrified that I will walk out of my apartment to go to work, and the car will be gone. I'm desperate to get out from under that control.
I try to be patient, and I try to tell myself to take it one day at a time, but it's really getting more and more difficult. It must just be my life's destiny to struggle. Maybe one day, I'll be able to look back and find the reason why.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Day One Learnings
I've always been a fast learner, but never did I imagine that I would learn something after only one day of budgeting.
First of all, let me just say that this meal plan budget thing really takes the guesswork out of shopping. There was no meandering, no thinking, no wondering if I should get this over that; there was just me and my list traveling down each aisle, selecting only what I had to get in order to complete the meals I have planned out for the next two weeks. I was such a good patron and stuck to my list, except for a few impulse purchases (chocolate milk and gum at the register.) I walked out feeling extremely accomplished, knowing that I had bought 5 meals worth of groceries for less than $70 -- including enough for leftovers. Of course, I had to take in to account the items I already had at home, but in my defense, that wasn't much, so I bought most of what I needed today. I felt (and still feel) so proud of myself!
But as I headed home, and was gloating to myself, I realized that budgeting helps you do more than manage your money. It helps you prioritize. This is going to sound really stupid, but I actually reflected back on my shopping experience and remembered thinking that I was only shopping for what I needed. Then I started thinking about the rest of my budget. I have my money divided up for things that are important. Keeping a budget for things like clothes, my crafty bits, and eating out has made me realize that I need to seriously consider what I want to spend before I actually spend it. It is making me realize that money runs out, and I need to focus on what is truly a priority in my life before I spend my hard-earned money on it. Lord knows (and so do most of you) that my money is earned whole-heartedly. My money has my blood, sweat, and tears all over it, and I'm slightly disappointed in myself that I didn't have this realization sooner.
When I was married, I had no choice but to watch every penny as it left my bank account, because I was the only one working...I was busting my ass in three jobs, and running in a hamster wheel for nearly the full 10 years. So, when I left, and started life on my own, I had a warped sense of financial freedom...thinking that I could spend my money on anything I wanted to now, because I didn't have to support anyone anymore. It has taken me all this time to realize that what I've needlessly spent over the last 2 1/2 years could have been cut in half, had I thought about needing it in the future.
I now have a large goal to reach in a short amount of time, and I regret that I have been so careless. I'm now trying to pick up my own slack and work as much as I can, doing anything I can, to meet my goal. My priority is spending Christmas with Phil. He is my prize, and my eyes are on it.
First of all, let me just say that this meal plan budget thing really takes the guesswork out of shopping. There was no meandering, no thinking, no wondering if I should get this over that; there was just me and my list traveling down each aisle, selecting only what I had to get in order to complete the meals I have planned out for the next two weeks. I was such a good patron and stuck to my list, except for a few impulse purchases (chocolate milk and gum at the register.) I walked out feeling extremely accomplished, knowing that I had bought 5 meals worth of groceries for less than $70 -- including enough for leftovers. Of course, I had to take in to account the items I already had at home, but in my defense, that wasn't much, so I bought most of what I needed today. I felt (and still feel) so proud of myself!
But as I headed home, and was gloating to myself, I realized that budgeting helps you do more than manage your money. It helps you prioritize. This is going to sound really stupid, but I actually reflected back on my shopping experience and remembered thinking that I was only shopping for what I needed. Then I started thinking about the rest of my budget. I have my money divided up for things that are important. Keeping a budget for things like clothes, my crafty bits, and eating out has made me realize that I need to seriously consider what I want to spend before I actually spend it. It is making me realize that money runs out, and I need to focus on what is truly a priority in my life before I spend my hard-earned money on it. Lord knows (and so do most of you) that my money is earned whole-heartedly. My money has my blood, sweat, and tears all over it, and I'm slightly disappointed in myself that I didn't have this realization sooner.
When I was married, I had no choice but to watch every penny as it left my bank account, because I was the only one working...I was busting my ass in three jobs, and running in a hamster wheel for nearly the full 10 years. So, when I left, and started life on my own, I had a warped sense of financial freedom...thinking that I could spend my money on anything I wanted to now, because I didn't have to support anyone anymore. It has taken me all this time to realize that what I've needlessly spent over the last 2 1/2 years could have been cut in half, had I thought about needing it in the future.
I now have a large goal to reach in a short amount of time, and I regret that I have been so careless. I'm now trying to pick up my own slack and work as much as I can, doing anything I can, to meet my goal. My priority is spending Christmas with Phil. He is my prize, and my eyes are on it.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
De-funkifying
I've been in a funk. A rut. A slump. You get the picture. I'm constantly trying to think how I can make myself a better me, one who is more well-rounded and generally happy. I decided a couple weeks ago that I'm going to make a lifestyle change. More than one, actually. I think one's lifestyle is composed of so many different elements, from health to finances to work/life balance to hobbies....
I decided that I need an overhaul in nearly every single area of my life.
Lifestyle Change #1. Stop freelance writing. Most of you all know that I was doing freelance writing for a web content company. While the larger assignments brought me a good little gap-filler between paydays, I was ultimately spending every free moment I had writing random content of which I had no prior knowledge. I wasn't talking to anyone, wasn't going outside to enjoy the summer...I wasn't even watching TV (GASP!)
Lifestyle Change #2. Get on a budget. I've never been great at managing money, and frankly, my ex-husband left me with nothing after the divorce. No house, no car, no money -- nothing. I'm a 30-something who has had to start from zero and climb her way back up to where she can survive while living at home with her mom. I'm extremely grateful that I have a place to go, and I have a job where I'm happy and am headed for greatness. It's just really tough to have to depend on people. My sister is gracious enough to allow me to drive her car until I can get enough under my belt to get one of my own, and I will never be able to repay her for that. My brother has been helpful enough to sit down with me and help me work out how to allocate my finances, so that I can save enough to go visit my Philly at Christmas, and enough to start the immigration paperwork. I need him here, and I can't wait for the day that dream comes true.
Lifestyle Change #3. Cut out the crap. I've essentially stopped drinking Coke, of any kind, and after just a few short weeks, I can tell a huge difference in how I feel internally, and how my skin looks and feels externally. I've gone from about 2-3 per day to 1-2 per week, which, when you do the math, is a huge reduction. I've started mapping out a meal plan, so that I don't have to eat out at work so much. I can divulge in my leftovers; it's a win-win since I love to cook.
Lifestyle Change #4. Hit the gym. For the longest time, I've felt guilty about leaving the house for fear of taking time away from Phil. But I got to thinking about it, and I know he wants me to feel good about myself, and he wants nothing but happiness for me, so why shouldn't I take a little bit of time each day to focus on me? My apartment complex has a small fitness center with 24/7 access for a small yearly fee, so come next payday (tomorrow, as a matter of fact,) I'm going to take advantage of the convenience and pay to join. I'm always telling everyone to use their resources, but it seems I never take my own advice. Well, it's about time that I do.
Lifestyle Change #5. Enjoy life. I've realized that it's okay if I want to go have coffee with a friend, or go to Uptown Art, or enjoy a day by the pool with my sister and my niece. I've made no secret about my passion for interior design, so I'm definitely going to spend more time fixing up furniture and trying my hand at making a few extra bucks at it.
Among these things, there are others that I want to incorporate. I want to read more, I want to blog more, I want to sing more, and I want to play more music. These things are slowly fading from my life, and it makes me sad.
I feel like I'm on track to becoming a new, improved me. I've made some small steps to get myself started, but my steps will turn into strides soon, and before I know it, I will be de-funked.
I decided that I need an overhaul in nearly every single area of my life.
Lifestyle Change #1. Stop freelance writing. Most of you all know that I was doing freelance writing for a web content company. While the larger assignments brought me a good little gap-filler between paydays, I was ultimately spending every free moment I had writing random content of which I had no prior knowledge. I wasn't talking to anyone, wasn't going outside to enjoy the summer...I wasn't even watching TV (GASP!)
Lifestyle Change #2. Get on a budget. I've never been great at managing money, and frankly, my ex-husband left me with nothing after the divorce. No house, no car, no money -- nothing. I'm a 30-something who has had to start from zero and climb her way back up to where she can survive while living at home with her mom. I'm extremely grateful that I have a place to go, and I have a job where I'm happy and am headed for greatness. It's just really tough to have to depend on people. My sister is gracious enough to allow me to drive her car until I can get enough under my belt to get one of my own, and I will never be able to repay her for that. My brother has been helpful enough to sit down with me and help me work out how to allocate my finances, so that I can save enough to go visit my Philly at Christmas, and enough to start the immigration paperwork. I need him here, and I can't wait for the day that dream comes true.
Lifestyle Change #3. Cut out the crap. I've essentially stopped drinking Coke, of any kind, and after just a few short weeks, I can tell a huge difference in how I feel internally, and how my skin looks and feels externally. I've gone from about 2-3 per day to 1-2 per week, which, when you do the math, is a huge reduction. I've started mapping out a meal plan, so that I don't have to eat out at work so much. I can divulge in my leftovers; it's a win-win since I love to cook.
Lifestyle Change #4. Hit the gym. For the longest time, I've felt guilty about leaving the house for fear of taking time away from Phil. But I got to thinking about it, and I know he wants me to feel good about myself, and he wants nothing but happiness for me, so why shouldn't I take a little bit of time each day to focus on me? My apartment complex has a small fitness center with 24/7 access for a small yearly fee, so come next payday (tomorrow, as a matter of fact,) I'm going to take advantage of the convenience and pay to join. I'm always telling everyone to use their resources, but it seems I never take my own advice. Well, it's about time that I do.
Lifestyle Change #5. Enjoy life. I've realized that it's okay if I want to go have coffee with a friend, or go to Uptown Art, or enjoy a day by the pool with my sister and my niece. I've made no secret about my passion for interior design, so I'm definitely going to spend more time fixing up furniture and trying my hand at making a few extra bucks at it.
Among these things, there are others that I want to incorporate. I want to read more, I want to blog more, I want to sing more, and I want to play more music. These things are slowly fading from my life, and it makes me sad.
I feel like I'm on track to becoming a new, improved me. I've made some small steps to get myself started, but my steps will turn into strides soon, and before I know it, I will be de-funked.
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